


Only Love

by tomlin0s



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorder, M/M, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-23
Updated: 2014-02-26
Packaged: 2018-01-13 11:05:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1223932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomlin0s/pseuds/tomlin0s
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s no secret that something is wrong with Liam. The boys all noticed it, and now the fans were beginning to, as well. Liam and Louis were always the closest in the band, Liam always looking after Louis and helping him through rough spots, and now Louis just wants to take care of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another terrible short intro chapter with a repetitive excuse swearing it will get better(really it will).

**Louis’ POV**

“Do you reckon he’s ill?” Harry asked quietly as Zayn ran his hand through Liam’s hair.

“He doesn’t feel warm.” Zayn shook his head. “He’s freezing, actually.”

“He hasn’t been eating well; maybe he’s feeling dodgy.” Niall suggested.

“I don’t think it’s that.” I shook my head. “He’s been off for a while now, but every time I bring it up he shrugs it off or gets defensive.”

“I can hear you!” Liam said angrily. “And I’m _fine_ , I’m just tired.”

“We’re only worried about you, mate.” Harry told him. “You’re not yourself.”

“I’m just exhausted, I need a break; you lot are blowing this out of proportion.”

“When’s the last time you ate then?” Zayn asked him gently.

“It’s none of your business!” Liam snapped.

“When was it, Liam?” I asked quietly.

“I ate before we went on stage, honestly.”  
“What’d you eat?” Niall pushed.

“I-I don’t know, some fruits or something.” He said sounding flustered.

“Why don’t you just admit it?” Harry huffed. “You didn’t eat anything.”

“ Can I just rest?” Liam pleaded helplessly.

“Of course, mate.” I nodded and closed his bunk curtain.

We walked back into the game room of the bus and sat onto the sofa, unsure what to do or say.

“I don’t know what to do.” I finally spoke. “I’ve tried speaking with him so many times; I’ve sat down at a table with him for hours just to get him to eat a few bites. He claims he’s never hungry but I’m not sure if I believe that. He just seems exhausted now a days, he’s never happy. I just want to help him, to make him better.”

“We know you do.” Zayn wrapped an arm around me. “We all want to help him.”

“Not like me though.” I mumbled.

“You’re still so far gone over him, aren’t you, mate?”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “But I can’t tell him, I don’t want to ruin anything between us. Besides, he’s obviously straight.”

“Yeah, as a circle.” Niall snorted, earning a slap in the arm from Harry.

“I’d bet he fancies you back.” Harry told me. “You both make it totally obviously, you’re constantly clinging to one another. The only people who haven’t noticed is you two.”

“He doesn’t fancy me.” I shook my head. “Besides, I don’t want to ruin anything right now. He’s obviously got enough going on his plate; he doesn’t need this, too.”

“Well maybe just try to keep talking to him; it seems to help a little. Maybe keep trying to get him to eat bit by bit.”

“I’m going to try room with him at the hotel, maybe get him to sit down and eat a salad or something simple.” I decided.

“Let us know if you need anything, yeah?” Zayn hugged me. “We’re all here for you, both of you.”

 

When we arrived at the hotel I grabbed Liam’s bags and carried ours both up to the room with a grateful smile from him.

“Have you got any plans for the evening?” I asked him.

“I was just planning on going down to the gym.” He shook his head.

“Liam, we’ve already had a concert today, why don’t you take a break? We could order room service and watch some films?” I suggested.

“I suppose films would be nice.”

“I’m just going to order up a ceaser salad, you should consider one.”

“I’m not much hungry; like I said, I ate just a few hours ago.”

“I’ll order you one anyways, perhaps you’ll change your mind. Why don’t you go choose a few films?” I suggested.

He sighed but walked over to my bag, knowing where the films were.

When the food arrived, we sat in the bed and put in Meet the Millers. I subtly shoved his plate closer to me but he tried not to show that he noticed.

I sighed and relaxed into the bed, focusing on my own plate. I tried focusing on the movie but I kept noticing Liam’s hand go back and forth from the fork to his lap. I sighed in annoyance and paused the film.

“You can eat, Liam. I know that you didn’t eat before the concert, or at any point today for that matter.”

“I just-I can’t do it, Lou; I’m sorry.”

“Why do you think that you can’t do it? You’re perfectly capable of eating a salad, Liam.”

“I’m not.” He shook his head. “I eat enough to get by, yeah? It’s just a diet so I can lose a few pounds, I’ll be fine.”

“You don’t _need_ to lose weight, Liam. You’re perfect, _thin_ even.”

“I am not.” He said angrily.

“Hey, what’s been going on with you, lately? And please don’t say ‘nothing’, I want you to talk to me.”

“It’s honestly nothing, Louis. I just need a break from everything, yeah?”

“What do you mean from _everything_? What is _everything_?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “Just touring mostly, it’s really run me down.”

“Well we’ve only got a few shows left, so why don’t you try and relax?” I smiled and wrapped an arm around him.

“Alright, but I’m still not hungry.”

“How about a few bites, for my peace of mind?”

“How about you just fuck off?” He said grumpily. “Shit, it’s no wonder everyone finds you annoying.” He said and got up to go to the other bed.

“Is that really what you think of me?” I frowned. “I-I’m annoying?”

“When you’re like this, yes.”

“I’m just trying to help, Liam.” My lip trembled.

“Well I don’t need your help, Louis. I don’t need anybody’s help; I’m doing just fine on my own.”

“Li, even the fans are worried about you.”

“I’m fine, okay?” He said sternly. “Once I get a break from tour I’ll rest up and be as good as new again.”

“I hope you’re right, I really do. I only want you well, yeah?” I mustered up a smile.

“I’m fine, great, even. Let’s just finish the film, yeah?” He said and we left it at that, finishing the film and turning in early; both left with an unsatisfying feeling in their gut.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains self harm. If this could trigger you please don't read!

**Liam’s POV**

“Great show, lads!” Niall cheered as we walked onto the bus.

“Yeah, Liam, you killed it!” Harry hugged me.

“Yeah, literally.” I frowned.

“Oh so you mucked up a few times, we all do.” He comforted.

“Yeah, but you don’t completely freeze up and ruin the entire show like I did.”  
“It was just a blip.” Louis comforted. “How about once we get to the hotel we go out? We can get completely mortal and forget about tonight.”

“I think I want to stay in.” I mumbled. “You lads have fun, yeah?”

“It’s no fun without you!” Louis whined.

“I’m tired, yeah? Maybe next time.” I said, ending the conversation and walking back to my bunk.

When we arrived at the hotel, Niall and I took the lift up to the room we were sharing and he immediately began getting ready to go out.

“You sure you don’t want to come?” He asked me. “I bet we could pull.”

“I’m positive.” I nodded. “Just going to grab some dinner and chat with the fans.” I lied.

“Glad to see you eating again, mate.” Niall smiled and patted my shoulder. “We were all worried for a while there.”

When he left I sat down on my laptop and immediately opened up twitter, knowing there had to be things already posted about tonight’s concert.

I searched through my timeline and though there were positive things, the negative was what stuck out the most.

The majority of the tweets were saying how awful I’ve been lately, and how I’ve been ruining the band. There were a few even going as far as to say they wanted me out of the band.

I frowned and shut my laptop, walking to my bag and grabbing my toiletries before walking into the en suite. I closed the door behind me and rummaged through my bag before finding the razors that I needed.

I sat on the floor, letting out a shaky breath the razor hovering over my wrist.

This isn’t something I did often, sometimes twice, but often times just once a week. It’s not something I’m proud of, and would be gutted if the fans found out.

Instinctly, my hand lowered the razor to my wrist and made the first line across. I watched the blood bubble out before adding more lines down my arm. I focused on a few cuts, ensuring I made them deeper than the others. I continued digging the razor in until I heard a knock on the door.

“Liam, are you in there?” I heard Louis’ voice.

“I-I’ll be out in a second, Lou.” I panicked and quickly threw the razors back in my bag. I grabbed the nearest towel and held it to my arm, willing the blood to stop.

“Are you okay in there?” He asked worriedly.

“Erm, I’m fine.”

“I’m coming in, Liam.” He warned.

“No, Lou, don-“ I protested but before I could finish he opened the door and his eyes flew open.

“Liam, what on earth happened to your arm?!”

“I accidentally scratched it.” I lied.

“Let me see.” He tutted and grabbed the towel from my arm. “God, Liam, this is _not_ a scratch. What happened? Please say you didn’t hurt yourself, Liam, _please_.”

“I’m sorry, Lou.” I said quietly.

“I just…I don’t understand.” He cried and grabbed a new towel, wetting it before putting it back on my arm. “How long has this been going on?”

“Since secondary school.” I shrugged. “’S no big deal.”

“Not a big deal, Liam?” He huffed. “Why do you do this?”

“I don’t want to play 20 questions, Louis.”

“Just help me understand.” He begged.

“It helps me feel better. No matter if I’m sad or stressed, it helps me to forget for a while.”

“Li, you can’t do this.” He cried harder and shook his head. “I’m so sorry I didn’t notice before, and didn’t help you.”

“Nobody can help me, Lou; I’m broken.”

“I’d help you, if you’d let me.” He weakly smiled up at me.

“You don’t know what you’re saying, Louis.” I shook my head. “You have no idea what you’d be getting yourself into. Let’s just pretend that you never saw this, okay? I’m fine, honestly.”

“Fine?” He nearly screamed. “Cutting yourself is not fine! Why are you so turned off by the idea of help?”

“I don’t need it, Louis! I feel perfect the way I am, I was getting by before you knew, and I’ll get by now.” I pushed him away and stood up to the sink to wash my arm off.

“Liam, some of these are really deep, and wide. Do you want to go get stitches? Nobody has to know, we’ll sneak you out the back and we’ll get you help.”

“Once again, I don’t need help, Louis. Why are you here, anyways? I thought you’d be out with the lads.”

“I didn’t feel right leaving you here, I knew something was up.”

“You should have gone with them.”

“I’m glad I didn’t.” He said confidently. “Honestly, I’m glad I know, Liam, because from now on I’m going to try harder to help you. Fuck, you just, you can’t do this Liam!” He said with a bit of anger, though he softened and pressed a quick kiss to my arm to which I immediately retracted.  
“Have you not listened to _anything_ I just said? I just told you I don’t need help and I am _fine_.”

“We’ll discuss you being fine when you can eat and not rip yourself to shreds.”

“I did eat today.” I frowned.

“Yeah, because you weren’t allowed on stage without it. You were _shaking_ , Liam!”

“I’m done with this conversation” I rolled my eyes and brought my sleeve down. “I don’t get why you’re so bothered anyways”

“Because I really li-I care about you, Liam.” He stumbled. “You’re my brother and I only want you well, we all do.”

“Not the fans.” I mumbled and walked out of the en suite. I grabbed my bag and took out a pair of joggers and a hoodie to change into.

“What do you mean not the fans?”

“They’re all over twitter saying that I ruin the band.” I shrugged and slipped off my pants. Louis’ eyes widened once again when he saw my legs which were covered in scars and cuts. I quickly averted my eyes and slid on the joggers.

“Liam, you don’t ruin the band, you complete us.” He hugged me tightly. “I love you, and I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way.”

“Can you just do me a huge favour?”

“Of course, anything.”

“Please don’t mention this to the lads or anybody else? I really don’t want them knowing.”

“Don’t you kind of think that they should?”

“No.” I shook my head. “I’m going to wear long sleeves and nobody is going to find out, got it?”

“Okay, but if it starts getting worse I make no promises. And please at least _try_ to come to me before you do it next time? Maybe I could help in some way.”

“We’ll see; but for now I’m going to the gym.” I told him.

“I’d rather if you didn’t.” He frowned.

“See you later, Louis.” I walked out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

**Louis’ POV**

“Li, are you alright?”I asked him at the back of the stage. “Do you need to go back and get some water?”

“I’m alright.” He assured me. “Just a little dizzy, I’ll be fine.”

I looked at him unsure, but nodded my head anyways.

We went on with the concert, the whole time Liam didn’t seem himself. He couldn’t run around and dance like the rest of us. He stood towards the back and tried his best to sing all the lyrics. When we got done we rushed to the back of the stage and changed quickly.

“Liam?!” Zayn asked. I turned around to see Liam on the ground with head between his knees.

“Li, what’s wrong?” I asked worried and rushed to his side.

“We need water!” Harry called out.

“S-sorry, ‘m just dizzy.”

“Let’s get you some water and get you changed.” I sighed. I handed him the cup but he refused. “It’s just water, Liam.”

“I’m not thirsty.”

“Drink it.” I said sternly. He gave in and slowly drank the water. “Feel any better?” I asked and ran my fingers through his hair.

“I’m fine, Lou, honestly.”

“Let’s get you changed.” I helped him up and into joggers and a t-shirt.

When we got on the bus I sat him down at the table and handed him a premade sandwich and bag of crisps.

“You need to eat this.” I demanded.

“I’m not eating that, Louis.”

“How long has it been?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Louis. I’ve been eating.”

“How long?”

“Only two days.” He finally admitted.

“Damnit, Li.” I sighed.

“Don’t be mad.”

“I’m not _mad_ Liam, I’m upset. You have to eat this, okay?”

“I’m not hungry, Lou,honestly.”

“Please eat, Liam.” I begged and sat down next to him. “This isn’t healthy.”

“I don’t want to, Lou.” He shook his head, tears flooding his eyes.

“Would it help if I ate with you?”  
“I don’t know.” He cried and rested his head into my shoulder.

“C’mere.” I rubbed his back and resisted kissing the top of his head. “I’ll eat with you, okay? You just eat as much as you can.”

“I’ll try.” He said quietly.

I grabbed my own food and sat back down next to him and dug into my food while he just poked around at his.

“The food isn’t going to jump into your stomach.” I told him.

“I don’t want to do this, Louis.”  
“If you don’t eat we can take you to the hospital and they’re going to have to stick a tube in you, you know.”

“They can’t do anything, Louis.” He rolled his eyes.

“Sure they can, and they will if we tell them what’s been happening.”

“You wouldn’t.” He glared.

“Get to eating.” I nodded to his food.

He frowned and ripped the sandwich into countless pieces before finally placing a tiny piece in his mouth.

“I can’t do this.” He shook his head. “Louis I can’t! I worked _so_ hard to get to this point!”

“To get to what? Unhealthy?”  
“I’m fine.” He mumbled.

“Just keep eating, please.”

“I don’t even understand why you care!”

“You don’t understand?” I asked angrily. “Liam, I care about you so much, I-I fucking _love_ you. I fancy you so damn much and I just want to make you happy.” I finally blurted out.

“Y-you _what_? For how long?”

“For at least a year now, Liam. And it _hurts_ seeing you treat yourself like this.”

“I-I don’t know what to say, Lou.” He shook his head. “I need to think.” He decided and walked off to the back of the bus leaving me to sit.

“You alright, mate?” Zayn walked to the front and asked me.

“Never better.” I laughed.

“I’m glad you finally told him, it’s been eating you for a while now.”

“Yeah but now things are going to be awkward between us, he _obviously_ doesn’t feel the same way back.”

“You don’t know that, I think he’s just confused at the moment. You saying that was probably a massive shock for him. It’s not like you’ve been sending obvious signals, you’ve been hiding it pretty well.”

“He’s not ever going to fancy me back Zayn, he’s _straight_ ; I might as well give up now.”

“I guess only time will tell.” He patted my shoulder.

“I’m going to my bunk, hopefully I’ll get some sleep; night.” I hugged him.

 

 

 “Morning.” Liam smiled at me when I walked up to the kitchen and I perked up a bit. “Erm, did you sleep okay?”

“Not really.” I laughed sadly.

“I suppose we should talk, shouldn’t we?”

“If you want.”

“I think-I think we should, so that things aren’t awkward.”

“Listen, I’m sorry.” I blurted out. “I shouldn’t have blurted it out, I know you’re straight and I don’t expect anything to happen between us. I just needed you to know that I care, Liam, I do; we _all_ do.”

“Lou, stop.” He rested his hand on my shoulder. “I-I don’t know what I am, I’ve questioned it for quite a while, actually.”  
“Really? Why didn’t you tell any of us? Between Harry and Zayn being together and me coming out, you should know we don’t judge.”

“I just felt as if it was something I needed to deal with on my own, but I kept pushing it away. I’m still trying to push it away, honestly. I don’t want to be g-gay…or whatever I am.”

“Oh.” I frowned.

“I’m sorry, Lou. It’s not you, it’s me, honestly. I just-I can’t be with a guy.”

“Don’t you think you’d be happier just accepting who you are?”

“Not if I can change it.” He shook his head.

“Alright, well like I said…I expected nothing.” I frowned and walked to the back of the bus, not being able to handle anymore of the conversation.

“Louis what’s wrong?” Harry asked when I crawled onto the sofa and rested my head in his lap.

“We talked and it went awful.” I cried. “I just love him so much, Harry, it’s not fair! You and Zayn get to be perfectly happy together, why not me?!”

“Hey, we’re going to find you a great lad.” He ran his fingers through my hair.

“I want Liam.” I shook my head. “H-he’s not even straight! He’s just trying to push it away because he doesn’t want to be gay- ‘or whatever he is’.  It’s not _fair_!”

“You didn’t get much sleep, did you?” He frowned, inspecting me over.

“Absolutely none.” I shook my head.

“You look awful, you should try and get some rest.”  
“I can’t.” I shook my head. “Everything’s wrecked.”

“It’s going to be okay again, I promise.” He hugged me.

 


End file.
